17 Aug 2014

Let's Play A Game.

Ever since I could remember,
Everything inside of me, 
Just wanted to fit in.

I was never one for pretenders,
Everything I tried to be, 
Just wouldn't settle in. 

I wake up with my eyes sand papery, feeling the aftermath of a bad dream. I can hear yelling from the other room. Gah, my mother is screaming at me again to get up. Groggy and weirdly tired, I turn to check the time. 6:30 AM?! What was wrong with her? I try to pull my thoughts together and sit up. 

"You f*king lazy piece of sh*t! I am hungry!" How lovely. 
"Coming Mother."

She glares at me as I walk to the kitchen after washing my face with water. Hygiene and freshness shall come later. I fix an omelette and slices of bread for her, brewing sugarless espresso for myself. She greedily snatches the plate from my hands and switches on the TV. 

Before you judge anything about my life, I must tell you, my mother is an alcoholic. Uh, not just an alcoholic, but a non-recovering raging alcoholic. Sigh! I do not have a brother or father and my relatives no longer remain in touch because of the lovely treatment my mother bestows on them. So, I guess you can imagine how much I look forward to stay at my beautiful home. I down the scalding espresso and get ready for work. Oh, I am an intern at the public library, I babysit too after work and then on weekends, I work as a waitress in the local diner. I love books. I don't love my mother. I did. But that feeling is dead inside, which is as scary as it seems. Feeling dead inside

If I told you what I was,
Would you turn your back on me?
And if I seem dangerous, 
Would you be scared?

As I begin to leave the house, after hurriedly preparing lunch for her and rushing out of the kitchen, my mother starts crying. Taking a deep calming breath, I walk back inside and ask her.

"You don't want me to enjoy myself (Sniff).

I give her a blank look, frantically realizing, I will be extremely late if her everyday charade doesn't end. Oh, she is crying not because I am leaving, but she needs money. 

"Mother, there's money in your drawer. I have kept food in the fridge. If you need anything else, let me know." I hand her another 200/- and leave. I had no time for this. 

Things had to end. Seriously. I would rather be alone. No, I can't be alone. I have to take care of her. Even if it kills me, till she is, I will take care of her. 

On that hopeful note, I get to the library and immerse myself in arranging dusty piles of old books and notes.It's strangely calming and before I know, Mrs. Karen is standing where I am and giving me an appreciative smile. I glance at her, absolutely clueless when she hands me 1000/- and says,

"Good work Rhea! Take this for today. You have done well. Now go, party!" She pats my back, while I stare at the treasure bill I have. Grinning, I leave for the babysit work and realize that my phone is chiming in. It's my mother. I instantly decide to hangup, but a funny feeling skitters down my spine. I pick up. 

"Rhea! Where have you kept my cigarettes!!!" She screams hoarsely in my ears.

"Mother, I have not kept them. Please don't smoke, it's not good for you." I remind her.

"I know you piece of shit. You want my money. I know you! It's that Tim boy, you are running off with. You have MY cigarettes.

Uh, my mother was also losing it. I decide to get back home.

I get the feeling just because, 
everything I touch isn't dark enough,
if this problem lies in me.
I am only a man, 
with a candle to guide me.
I am taking a stand to escape,
what's inside me.

As I am about to enter the lane where my house is, I notice police sirens and fire brigade. With a sick premonition, I reach my house and that's where the entire parade is. My house is not  on fire, but the front door is burned down. I pull in with a screech and without bothering to look back run towards the house, when strong male hands stop me. I look at the officer whose blue eyes are filled with concern and....and a bad news. 

"Are you Rhea?"

Speechless, I nod. 

"I am sorry about your mother. She, well, she tried to light a cigarette with the gas flame and the alcohol around her quickly caught up. She tried to run out I believe, but...it was too late.

Looking at my faint expression, he finishes with a rush as I stagger in his arms. Things happen in a rush after that. Mother's charred beyond-recognition body is wrapped in a blue cover and the paramedics take her away. My neighbors are all there, some are hugging me, whispering consolatory empty words in my ears. The buzz in my ears keeps getting louder as I watch everyone leave. I am cold all over, as I walk to the bedroom and fall on the bed.

I recall...in a twisted sick way, I had forgotten to turn off the stove before I left for work.

Monster, A Monster,
I've turned into a Monster.

PS: Lyrics of Imagine Dragons - Demons form the basis of this story. 
PPS: I love Imagine Dragons :D :D


maithili said...

This was a chilling read. All through the post I knew something terrible is going to happen. You write in a way that no one else does.

Khushboo W said...

Whoa! Loved it. I have always been a big fan of your writing, especially fiction! Maithili is right. You write like no one else ever can.

Wings of Harmony said...

@maithili: I know Sis, even I hadn't thought I would come to end it like this. :D Thank you, that is a VERY BIG compliment for me. I am no where closes to the way you weave your stories. :)

@KW: Awwww, fan is too big a word, I love your fun posts too, though I miss them. Please write, Paanipuri Lover. <3 And Thank you! :D

Blasphemous Aesthete said...

Of course, I know that feeling! :-)

Blasphemous Aesthete

Wings of Harmony said...

@BA: Of feeling like you are a monster? 'Cause I surely do feel sometimes that I am.

vixie said...

oh mishtii! this was..this was..phew. you know it sounds weird..but i can so identify with that monster.
the post was so cold yet fiery at the same time. i could sense that struggle within rhea..that hidden flame inside of her.

lovely read sweetheart. only you can write in a way that strikes a chord within.
and the song you shared..so apt and so beautiful.
blessed be.
cheers love!

Keirthana said...

This sent shivers down my spine. I couldn't figure out whether I felt relief for Rhea or bad for her mom.