17 Aug 2014

Let's Play A Game.

Ever since I could remember,
Everything inside of me, 
Just wanted to fit in.

I was never one for pretenders,
Everything I tried to be, 
Just wouldn't settle in. 

I wake up with my eyes sand papery, feeling the aftermath of a bad dream. I can hear yelling from the other room. Gah, my mother is screaming at me again to get up. Groggy and weirdly tired, I turn to check the time. 6:30 AM?! What was wrong with her? I try to pull my thoughts together and sit up. 

"You f*king lazy piece of sh*t! I am hungry!" How lovely. 
"Coming Mother."

She glares at me as I walk to the kitchen after washing my face with water. Hygiene and freshness shall come later. I fix an omelette and slices of bread for her, brewing sugarless espresso for myself. She greedily snatches the plate from my hands and switches on the TV. 

Before you judge anything about my life, I must tell you, my mother is an alcoholic. Uh, not just an alcoholic, but a non-recovering raging alcoholic. Sigh! I do not have a brother or father and my relatives no longer remain in touch because of the lovely treatment my mother bestows on them. So, I guess you can imagine how much I look forward to stay at my beautiful home. I down the scalding espresso and get ready for work. Oh, I am an intern at the public library, I babysit too after work and then on weekends, I work as a waitress in the local diner. I love books. I don't love my mother. I did. But that feeling is dead inside, which is as scary as it seems. Feeling dead inside

If I told you what I was,
Would you turn your back on me?
And if I seem dangerous, 
Would you be scared?

As I begin to leave the house, after hurriedly preparing lunch for her and rushing out of the kitchen, my mother starts crying. Taking a deep calming breath, I walk back inside and ask her.

"You don't want me to enjoy myself (Sniff).

I give her a blank look, frantically realizing, I will be extremely late if her everyday charade doesn't end. Oh, she is crying not because I am leaving, but she needs money. 

"Mother, there's money in your drawer. I have kept food in the fridge. If you need anything else, let me know." I hand her another 200/- and leave. I had no time for this. 

Things had to end. Seriously. I would rather be alone. No, I can't be alone. I have to take care of her. Even if it kills me, till she is, I will take care of her. 

On that hopeful note, I get to the library and immerse myself in arranging dusty piles of old books and notes.It's strangely calming and before I know, Mrs. Karen is standing where I am and giving me an appreciative smile. I glance at her, absolutely clueless when she hands me 1000/- and says,

"Good work Rhea! Take this for today. You have done well. Now go, party!" She pats my back, while I stare at the treasure bill I have. Grinning, I leave for the babysit work and realize that my phone is chiming in. It's my mother. I instantly decide to hangup, but a funny feeling skitters down my spine. I pick up. 

"Rhea! Where have you kept my cigarettes!!!" She screams hoarsely in my ears.

"Mother, I have not kept them. Please don't smoke, it's not good for you." I remind her.

"I know you piece of shit. You want my money. I know you! It's that Tim boy, you are running off with. You have MY cigarettes.

Uh, my mother was also losing it. I decide to get back home.

I get the feeling just because, 
everything I touch isn't dark enough,
if this problem lies in me.
I am only a man, 
with a candle to guide me.
I am taking a stand to escape,
what's inside me.

As I am about to enter the lane where my house is, I notice police sirens and fire brigade. With a sick premonition, I reach my house and that's where the entire parade is. My house is not  on fire, but the front door is burned down. I pull in with a screech and without bothering to look back run towards the house, when strong male hands stop me. I look at the officer whose blue eyes are filled with concern and....and a bad news. 

"Are you Rhea?"

Speechless, I nod. 

"I am sorry about your mother. She, well, she tried to light a cigarette with the gas flame and the alcohol around her quickly caught up. She tried to run out I believe, but...it was too late.

Looking at my faint expression, he finishes with a rush as I stagger in his arms. Things happen in a rush after that. Mother's charred beyond-recognition body is wrapped in a blue cover and the paramedics take her away. My neighbors are all there, some are hugging me, whispering consolatory empty words in my ears. The buzz in my ears keeps getting louder as I watch everyone leave. I am cold all over, as I walk to the bedroom and fall on the bed.

I recall...in a twisted sick way, I had forgotten to turn off the stove before I left for work.

Monster, A Monster,
I've turned into a Monster.

PS: Lyrics of Imagine Dragons - Demons form the basis of this story. 
PPS: I love Imagine Dragons :D :D

13 Aug 2014

The Blue Cloud

Image Source

It might have blue or it might have been black,
but who knows what it is, when I have turned my back.
I think it is best to accept the reality, 
that I am nothing, a mere fatality. 

Oh, I do not believe their praises, 
They are invisible, invisible like my bruises.
The ones you cannot fathom, reach beyond my soul,
They have engulfed me and can take you whole.

You tell me someday I will survive,
I feel it is too late for me to revive.
You cannot see the blue or the black cloud,
My screams inside cannot be heard out loud. 

Image Source
Today I can see the stars beyond the blue,
And I now it is time for me to renew.
I can see them calling, beyond the concrete border,
The pain would be brief and will set things in order.

Depression is an issue that has been taken very lightly by many of us. It is not just about feeling low or sad, but is a mix of multiple emotional and physical changes. Years ago, I went through the WHO's video on depression called the "The Black Dog" of depression. I am posting the link here. It is a wonderful video and gives an insight into the world of someone who suffers from depression. The death of Robin Williams shocked many, including me. Who knows what pain was he in. Do have a look at the video. It is inspiring and real. 

PS: You can also read more by following this link  Black Dog Institute