4 Apr 2014

Solitary Escapist?

"How many times have you told me, you love her,
As many times as I've wanted to tell you the truth
How long have I stood here beside you
I live through you, you looked through me.

Ooh, Solitude,
Still with me is only you
Ooh, Solitude,
I can't stay away from you."

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They smiled and waved at me, while I happily typed away on my laptop. I heard them calling out to me and looked up. As I nod at them, indicating I was going to join them, she comes from behind and wraps me in her arms.

"You can't abandon me,
You belong to me.

Breathe in and take my life in you,
No longer myself only you.
There's no escaping me, my love,

I try to pull away, still looking at my friends, my smile wavering and another feeling taking over me. I turn around and look at her. She is dangerously beautiful. Red lustrous lips, high cheek bones, long dark hair and dark green eyes. So seductively enticing. I gulp, nervously. She inches closer to me and whispers in my ears. I know you love me more. More than them. They cheat you, they latch onto your light, they hurt you, how can you forget? You can't open yourself like this to them?! I have been so loyal to you, since the day you found me and you are choosing THEM over me? I shudder at her proximity and look into her eyes again. 

"How many times have I done this to myself
How long will it take before I see
When will this hole in my heart be mended
Who now is left alone but me

Ooh, Solitude,
Forever me and forever you.
Ooh, Solitude,
Only you, only true."

She was speaking the truth. Absolute truth. I had opened myself one too many times and there was nothing left in me, nothing. I could not trust anyone, because I had been left alone so many times. And now when she had befriended me, despite all of my drawbacks, she had been standing by me.

"Everyone leaves me stranded,
Forgotten, abandoned, left behind.
I can't stay here another night,
Your secret admirer.
Who could it be?

Ooh, Can't you see?
All along it was me,
How can you be so blind?
As to see right through me."

I looked at my friends who were just staring at me, waiting outside my house. They were trying to call out to me, but I couldn't hear them anymore. She kissed on my cheek and turned me around. I pull away from her and make a dash towards the glass door, planning to break through it. I use all my force and hit the walls, the glass walls hard and solid around. I hurt bad and find her right behind. She starts laughing as I drop down on my knees, crying. She holds me and hugs me tight. I give in, finally succumbing to the comfortable warmth and love.

"Darling, there's no sense in running
You know I will find you
Everything is perfect now
We can live forever.
You can't abandon me,
You belong to me.

Breathe in and take my life in you,
No longer myself only you.
There's no escaping me, my love.


PS: The verses are from "Solitude" and "Surrender" songs of the Evanescence band, performed by Amy Lee.
PPS: Loneliness is very different from seeking solitude, but the lines do blur, if one is not careful.
PPS: Live life as if it's a gift, happiness and laughter are.


Blasphemous Aesthete said...

We open ourselves because we must, not because we want to.
The day that 'must' is replaced with something more flexible, more loose, we lose ourselves too, to loneliness, even in crowd.

Blasphemous Aesthete

Wings of Harmony said...

@BA: That opening up is healthy, but only sometimes. Yes, we do lose ourselves too, if we let go of the need.

Keirthana said...

The 1st PPS nailed it. So in depth! Seeking solitude is something of a personal preference than loneliness. It's a session which we all need now and then.

Wings of Harmony said...

@Keirthana: :) Yes, but it can get scary if we are not cautious of that blurry line.