17 Oct 2013

Wishes and Charms



There I lay, rusted and dying, 
Dreaming of the youth never ending.
Of dreams and memories fought for,
In a fragile life, I danced to the momentary lore.
Hands that held and threw me down,
Once I bowed to them and placed a crown.
Lies, deceptions, beauties and madness,
I wanted all, in my human caress.

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The blazing sun showers diamonds that shine,
But burning through my skin, I search for a hidden mine.
That would take me away from all,
But I gave in to the way, I fall.
Weathered wings, thrashed to the ground,
I am now hunted, once bloody hound.
Un-moving, I clutch the sands,
Searching to cling onto none of the million hands.

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And I die tonight, under the scattered battled skies,
One heart beat, reminding me of all the lies.
Wishes that never come true,
Despite the lucks and charms of the blue.
There is nothing, mere dust and no smile to lend,
I lie in bliss, soak in my end.

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16 Oct 2013

Keep In Touch

From the time that I have gained the ability to use mobile phones and browse internet, I have also learned to escape from what would be ties and relations which are a little too demanding, no actually, let me be honest, have been there for me but I have not done the same. I would not sugar coat by saying that I remain "busy" or "preoccupied" but rather make more of a choice to not stay in touch. I have countable number of people in my life that I am really myself or comfortable with and I take pains to text them or even call them up eventually. But then, there are others, the friends I hang out with or those with whom I have spent good years of my life, I find that somewhere, somehow I skipped being completely myself with them, just so that I could fit in. And once I moved ahead from their lives, I do not make effort to keep in touch. It's not their fault at all, in fact, I would say, it's the quirk in my personality but it has had me thinking, do we really value each others presence in each others' lives as we would like to portray?


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I avoid staying in touch with certain people for they remind me of my insecurities and inadequacies, even if they do not say it outright. Something in the way that we have interacted in past has made me feel the patronizing tone that insidiously creeps in their voices and it still annoys me when someone tells me what should I do or not do or feel, except for my parents or maybe someone whom I explicitly ask for an advice. I have confidantes in my couple of female friends and in male comrades as well, but only two of them, from either the group know the whole thing about my life, because even though I tell my story in bits and parts, I feel I will reveal too much and that would serve as my own grave if in future things don't work out between us. Trust is a big big big thing for me, that I find hard to place in somebody these days. 

We easily jump to conclusions when someone doesn't call or text or inbox us, thinking they no longer care, but have we really become that shallow or dependent on technology to judge whether a person cares or not? I would like to give an example of my two very dear friends - Ni and Si - both have been inspiration of my many stories and I love them to bits. They are the ones whom I have truly been myself with and they are also the ones with whom I don't have to go through the accepted channels to show that I care. With them, if I am unable to talk to them over a continuous period of time, whenever we resume, it is like things have picked up from where we left them. 


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The worst feeling is when people heard you out of sympathy while you were down, they ensure that you pay them back for their time, their precious precious time that they spend listening to you - it means they were there for you. I don't understand why you have to emphatic with million conditions attached? Everything is now based on the fundamental concept of getting even - Quid Pro Quo! It saddens me really, when people state - "I have done so much for him/her, but he/she doesn't even care to stay in touch!" I think we all think ourselves to be victims and self-righteous individuals but we never try to step into the shoes of the person who seemingly appears to be at fault. We expect others to give us space, but hate it when others need it in their own way. It is always easier to judge when you are sitting on an ivory tower but very tough to understand someone else's hardships. 


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I write this only to highlight the fact that subject to the judgments that I have faced, I feel I should not succumb to doing this myself with anybody else. And till now, I have been successful. Do you find it tough to keep in touch too?

3 Oct 2013

Diamonds.


IT'S LIKE YOU'RE SCREAMING AND NO ONE CAN HEAR, 

YOU ALMOST FEEL ASHAMEDTHAT SOMEONE COULD BE THAT IMPORTANT,

THAT WITHOUT THEM, YOU FEEL LIKE NOTHING,
NO ONE WILL UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH IHURTS, YOU FEEL HOPELESS, LIKE NOTHING CAN SAVE YOU,AND WHEN IT'S OVER, AND IT'S GONE, 

YOU ALMOST WISH THAT YOU COULD HAVE ALL THAT BAD STUFF BACK,
 STHAT YOU COULD HAVE THE GOOD. 

WFOUND LOVE IN A HOPELESS PLACE.
It is one of those moments, when my life is flashing before my eyes. I could not begin to bear the pain which was developing in my heart, watching his back turned towards me. I slowly enter the bedroom, having no idea how to tell him that there was no way I was trying to bail out on him. It all started out well, but when Aakash's friend asked for my specific assistance in an upcoming project, I wanted to take it up. I had been married to Aakash for three years now and our love was still blossoming over time. I had been very hesitant to show my emotions first, since ours was an arranged marriage - with everybody from friends and families involved. I was essentially a cheerful person, happy and smiling always, but it took me a lot of trust to show my vulnerability to Aakash, who was a strong, determinate person, always ready with a wise decision and a quick mind. I did feel inadequate sometimes, but I also knew, that I balanced him in a lot of ways. I had never confessed my feelings for him, nor had he, but it was always in the small gestures. We never really said it, those three words, never really felt the need to.

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"Aakash?" He does not move, does not respond at all. It breaks my heart.

"Aakash, please look at me?" I move towards him and place my palm on his shoulder, standing towards his right.

"Please go, Niyati." He tells me without looking at me or raising his voice. I don't move and keep looking at him. My heart is beating so fast, that I could feel it in my throat and ears. The silence was killing me. I knew I had not done anything and the entire thing was just a massive miscommunication. I take his silence as a window and start talking.

"Aakash, I know what you heard sounded like I did something. But you have to trust me! Please?" I feel helpless and pathetic, trying to make him believe of my innocence. I mean, what happened to trust, love and everything we shared. I had opened up myself to him and here I was, trying to justify my actions. I was staring at him. His eyes were hard and dead set. Then I notice a tear roll down his eye. I am stunned. Did I really mess up our relationship? I feel myself crumble from within. Then he starts talking.

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"I never thought that you would choose him over me, Niyati! I had been asking you since morning to come on a dinner date with me. It's been ages that we spent time together! I miss your presence in my life! You and your project and that Manish! You have time for every freaking assignment and project that he assigns to you! He calls you at 6 today and you run like a little girl! I know I sound jealous and a possessive freak and I don't want to come between you and your dreams! I just don't like it when you don't seem to care about what I want! I love you God damn it! I don't want to lose you!" He finishes in a rush.


SOMETHINGS, WE DON'T TALK ABOUT, 

RATHER DO WITHOUT,
AND JUST HOLD THE SMILE.
FALLING IN AND OUT OF LOVE,
ASHAMED AND PROUD OF,
TOGETHER ALL THE WHILE.
I listen to him with my eyes wide and tears streaming down. I fall down on my knees, unable to control my tears, watching him feel so much for me, loving me all the while and crying for me. In that moment, I realize how much I loved him. I could not breathe and wished he would hold me.He sat down next to me and held me in his arms. Tightly.
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"I love you too Aakash! You can decide not to trust me, but I...I will never betray you...how could you think about Manish and me like that? I understand I mismanaged my time and got excited about something, but that does not, will never, change my feelings for you!" I sob, with my head on his chest.

"I know and I am sorry." Aakash rests his chin on my head and we stay in each others' arms till the morning light shines through. When I look up into his eyes in the morning, I knew, we had created a bond, that had grown stronger still. The love had stood strong after the test of time. I called up Manish and asked for few days off, which he readily gave me. A new chapter of my life, with Aakash had begun.