It all starts with that one moment of your life, when you decide that you no longer want to be a part of the toxicity that bogs you down. It so may happen that you may not recognize what is pulling you into your grave, but then, some time or the other, we all have been the victim of our own thoughts. And in that moment, a miracle happens - always, without fail. You are presented with a choice - between maintaining the status quo or fighting it and dodging it for a different path, a different route.
I was told by my father once, that I am a born fighter, that I would never cower in the grueling circumstances. I do not know whether I have succeeded in doing so, but in the past few years, I have found it easier to detach myself from people or circumstances that seem negative or averse to me. I try to pacify the situation first, if it does not work for me, I move on. I just move on. I do not feel any emotion or pain. I just feel like I have left behind another burden that had made breathing and walking difficult for me. Recently such leaving and moving on has become easier for me. I do not expect from people and I find myself uncomfortable if they expect a notch higher from me than they should - this is usually from the people who do not know me too well and those who do, need not expect as they know I would be there for them without saying anything. The number of the people I am closest to has narrowed down to handful. But even then I do not find myself panicking if left alone. I have been called an escapist by some and the true wanderer by some. I have also been called as indifferent or a cruel person by people who, as they say, love me.
"Everything tells me that I am about to make a wrong decision, but making mistakes is just part of life. What does the world want of me? Does it want me to take no risks, to go back to where I came from because I didn't have the courage to say "yes" to life?"
But I don't question their love for me. No. But I do wonder if I am living my life or theirs. The events that have brought me here were massively and obscenely atrocious for me and except for my family and few chosen friends and the perpetrator himself, no one knows what it is. However, there were few friends who heard me out. As I moved on, I cut off every single contact from anybody who reminds of the place or the incident. Every single voice or phone number or text frightens me and makes me want to erase every trace of me from every body's life. But yes, that is not possible. So, yet again, I remain quiet and concur to the accusations of not being in touch, quietly. What do I say? I want to move on? I want to forget whatever you are or whatever you have done. And every waking moment for me is like a battle with myself. I have become calmer, but I have also become numb in ways I cannot seem to fathom. I am no more forging ties and strings of any relations - though there are relations of societal norms that I keep, but I seem to no longer need them.
I have been trying to come to terms with the things happening around me - like little miracles to save me that occur when I have just felt a cold tide wash over me. If I could show, I would, how harsh words of people, who have barely known me, but like to modulate my life, make me shiver. But the very next moment - there are words of wisdom washing within me - This too shall pass - and I feel the fuzzy warmth spreading in my chest. I realize that the people who are commenting on my decisions - and they most certainly are not my people - whom I dearly cherish - are the ones who have not yet stepped into the real world, who see the world through not theirs, but the eyes of others. They are the ones who have accumulated wealth that will not be with them and they are not ready to accept so. And in that moment, even though I am physically alone, I feel the presence of love and blessings of my people.
"And one has to understand that braveness is not the absence of fear but rather the strength to keep on going forward despite the fear."
You may be going through the worst phase of your life, with people turning weasels every second, people snitching and snaking their ways around and about your life, with people who are of no consequence trying to assuage you and deviate you from something that you decided to do, because it was the one chance that was given to you, and you didn't want to lose and people, who just relish the idea of you being destroyed, will get a chance to win over you. The only thing that you have to remember is that patience, even though the hardest to attain is within us. No one controls our lives other than ourselves.
"It takes a huge effort to free yourself from memory."
"You have two choices, to control your mind or to let your mind control you."
And I hope as I am dealing and learning, so will you find solace in my words. Blessed be my people, forever and always.
PS: All the quotations are from Paulo Coelho's various works. He is undeniably my favorite novelist, next only to Ruskin Bond.