28 Dec 2013

I Am Infinite...

Imagine a place where you are in complete darkness. Imagine no sound, except your breathing. Imagine no sense of touch except the warm liquid, the temperature of which matches your body temperature, that makes you float. Imagine no sight, which will make you doubt your real sense of vision. What would you be, in complete nothingness? Would you still be or would you just fade away?

I can feel my heart pumping madly against my chest. I can feel panicked pumping in my ears and a mad urge to scream. I cannot see, I cannot hear, except my hitched breathing and involuntary sounds which my throat is making as a last reminder of my being. I try to move my fingers - of hands and feet, yes, they are still there - where am I? What am I doing? Oh my god! Is this how death feels? Let go! You are in a floating chamber. You wanted to be in one! Yes, I recall now, I am inside a tank - there must be some light somewhere. Should I close my eyes? Will it make any difference? Hello? 

All I hear is my own voice

Calm down. You are safe. From everyone. See? You can breathe! You are not choking! Close your eyes and imagine wonderful things. There's no one to stop you. Yes. I am floating. I see my parents - I wonder what they must be doing right now. Hmm, there's that theater with wonderful sound system. I must go there sometime. Why am I thinking? Thinking - we waste so much time on frivolous matters. People are everywhere. Running around - running, chasing. Why? What happens in the end? I see stars, purple, blue and white! I can hear a buzz in my ears. I am alive? Why am I talking? I... do I need  to....?


Grace? It's time to leave the tank. You have been there for 20 minutes now... you are in your body. You can hear me. I am Dr. David. You know me. Open your eyes.

Open your eyes.

Music. Like heaven. Wonderful music! Clouds!

I am. What am I? Grace. That's me? That's me!

 Bright light. What is it! The light is too much to bear. Water! 

I feel a tingle all over me. I feel the tiny hair on my body raise. I can feel the water. 


I open my eyes and find myself back in the chamber. The diffused blue lights are on. My mind is blissfully empty. I hold the bars on the side of the tank and get up. I look at the unfamiliar face smiling at me. With a jolt I realize that's Dr. David! I smile back tentatively.

"Well? How was it?" He asks me, grinning.

"Amazing!" is the only word that comes out of my mouth, as I start grinning.


11 Dec 2013

Silent Snowflakes

I let it go (and now I know),

A brand new life (is down this road),

And when it's right (you always know).

So this time (I won't let go),

There's only one thing left here to say,

Love's never too late...

LET ME GO By Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger

It was drizzling when she decided she couldn't remain indoors. She had to get to the bookstore and see the book. But it was book launch today and bookstore would be crowded, she thought, cowering. So what? Her mind defended. Yeah, so what? I want to read the book,see it for myself and so I shall! She gets up from her couch, resolute, dresses up and grabs an umbrella, walking quickly towards the auto stand. 

She fetches an auto quickly, directing it to go to Forum Mall, her heart thumping wildly against her ribs... She should totally ditch it! What would people say? She doesn't even look like someone who would love books, let alone read them. The book launch would start in another 4 hours, it was 1 PM, too early for anyone to be there really. Stop thinking so much!

Lost in her own whirlpool of thoughts, she gets down the auto, opens her purple umbrella and walks towards the entrance of the mall. No one's outside - in the assembly area, obviously, since it has now started to rain like a faucet has been open - she looked at the cloudy sky grumpily. Stupid Weather. She enters the mall, through the security check, upstairs towards the Kalmane coffee shop upstairs on the second floor - it gave a little more privacy than her another favorite coffee joint CCD downstairs. OH! She had to be in the bookstore! But oh, she was so nervous - what if she has to talk to someone - what if someone she knows bumps into her?

She decides to grab a cup of coffee first, it would warm her cold fingers and give her some courage. Overreaction. He brain comments sarcastically. She orders for a Cinnamon Mocha and sits on the small cushion-y seat. Her phone beeps - Launch in 3 hours 35 minutes!! Can't wait to see you there!! xoxo! -  She suddenly wants to be home - with her family and not in this strange city with which she has fallen in love, which returns love doubly. She gets her coffee and the first sip makes her realize why she loves this place so much! She smiles at the tender and walks out, carrying the hot Styrofoam cup in both her hands, her umbrella neatly folded and hidden in the corners of her handbag. 

Now she can peacefully go into the bookstore - "Don't MISS the launch of the AMAZING NEW SERIES by Drishti Thakur! "The Silent Snowflakes" book launch in India, today  - Here at 5!! Be here!!" She looks at the huge banner at the entrance of the bookstore and walks in. A small shiver passes through her as she looks at the display of books - Her Books - all over the place. She could feel her insides melt. It was a feeling she couldn't explain - they were her books - the ones she had just written - and there she was - Drishti Thakur - looking at her work - in full glory!

She walked down the entrance unnoticed by anyone - it was afternoon and raining - but she sat next to the section which displayed her books and started grinning and crying at the same time. The words she had written were from her life, yet formed a tale untold. She had written in the dedications

For those who can't speak, 
Yet feel. Like me.

4 Dec 2013


There are millions of moments in your life, ever wondered, just how many? And every such moment that passes by, forms a part of your memory. A memory that never rests until you rest forever.

The genius of human mind is indomitable but have we not restricted ourselves to a mere gaining of bookish knowledge, societal confirmation, adopting rigid beliefs and have stopped admiring smaller and simpler things in life?

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I wonder, always, how we wile away our time discussing about other people and expect them to change for us, to accommodate them in what we think is right and wrong. I wonder why we do not give the freedom to others to be as they are? We have to define every relationship - in friendship, in love, committed - and then we bind everybody, hold them liable for breaching the principle on which they first came together. 

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I wonder if we are humans anymore - such emotions - for which we were known to be separate from other beings - have now narrowed down to judgment, hatred, anger and jealousy. Love remains in novels and sappy teenage romances or marriages. What happened to forming platonic relationships - for mere conversations and coffees?

I wonder when a mere gazing at the night sky becomes luxury and spending days thinking are we what we wanted to be or never wanted to be, pondering over life aimlessly? Have we lost that sense of expecting magic and beauty which is scattered all around us? I feel astonished at how obnoxiously we display ourselves - having imbibed Shakespearean analogy of "The World is a stage" quite literally! 

I feel like an observer, a hermit actually, but the sense of wonder remains... in the beating of my heart to the days that come everyday, bringing a sense of relief and little joy. 

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I wonder if one slip is enough to call someone a betrayer or if one kiss is enough to call someone a lover? I see, now-a-days, yes. We are deaf to the stories of the people, we don't see why they are the way they are - because - no body is a saint, I hear. Have you wondered how many excuses we come up with, so that we do not change?

I wonder where the line blurs between when we cease to do things we love - that truly make our spirits soar - and the things people tell us to do as appropriate. May be this is the evolution that Charles Darwin or Einstein had imagined. 

The sense of wonder must not cease within us, the hope must remain - even in pain and death, for the every day that you see the sun, the sense of joy must remain - if alone or in crowd. The wonderment makes life beautiful. 

Blessed Be!

16 Nov 2013

Flights of Fantasy

Winds and waves weave in weave out, 
I stand on the shore, grains of sands entice me like doubt.
Heart heals and haunts the memories, 
As I stand on the shore, waiting for tides to drown my worries. 
As the night falls and lights up the turbulent sheet of blue,
Angels weep and reach down to color my hue.

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But do I breathe again to live?
To live the lies and to never believe,
Of the world that is self-absorbed,
In its own miseries, choked and clogged.
I open my eyes and look up into the night,
Where my fantasies and realities take a flight.

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Touched by them, I do not remain mere human,
I become more like the sea, like skies, like earth, a musical sermon,
I was an ocean of tumultuous tides,
The earth with molten slides,
A hopeless breeze with no direction,
A daunted spirit with no name no creation.

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I find myself in the waves, that weave in weave out,
And no more do grains of sand, entice me like doubt.
Heart heals and memories fade away too,
In the shore I lay, wrapped in warmed tides of water new.
As the night fades and ignites the sheet of blue,
Angels smile and reach down to color my hue.

17 Oct 2013

Wishes and Charms

There I lay, rusted and dying, 
Dreaming of the youth never ending.
Of dreams and memories fought for,
In a fragile life, I danced to the momentary lore.
Hands that held and threw me down,
Once I bowed to them and placed a crown.
Lies, deceptions, beauties and madness,
I wanted all, in my human caress.

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The blazing sun showers diamonds that shine,
But burning through my skin, I search for a hidden mine.
That would take me away from all,
But I gave in to the way, I fall.
Weathered wings, thrashed to the ground,
I am now hunted, once bloody hound.
Un-moving, I clutch the sands,
Searching to cling onto none of the million hands.

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And I die tonight, under the scattered battled skies,
One heart beat, reminding me of all the lies.
Wishes that never come true,
Despite the lucks and charms of the blue.
There is nothing, mere dust and no smile to lend,
I lie in bliss, soak in my end.

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16 Oct 2013

Keep In Touch

From the time that I have gained the ability to use mobile phones and browse internet, I have also learned to escape from what would be ties and relations which are a little too demanding, no actually, let me be honest, have been there for me but I have not done the same. I would not sugar coat by saying that I remain "busy" or "preoccupied" but rather make more of a choice to not stay in touch. I have countable number of people in my life that I am really myself or comfortable with and I take pains to text them or even call them up eventually. But then, there are others, the friends I hang out with or those with whom I have spent good years of my life, I find that somewhere, somehow I skipped being completely myself with them, just so that I could fit in. And once I moved ahead from their lives, I do not make effort to keep in touch. It's not their fault at all, in fact, I would say, it's the quirk in my personality but it has had me thinking, do we really value each others presence in each others' lives as we would like to portray?

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I avoid staying in touch with certain people for they remind me of my insecurities and inadequacies, even if they do not say it outright. Something in the way that we have interacted in past has made me feel the patronizing tone that insidiously creeps in their voices and it still annoys me when someone tells me what should I do or not do or feel, except for my parents or maybe someone whom I explicitly ask for an advice. I have confidantes in my couple of female friends and in male comrades as well, but only two of them, from either the group know the whole thing about my life, because even though I tell my story in bits and parts, I feel I will reveal too much and that would serve as my own grave if in future things don't work out between us. Trust is a big big big thing for me, that I find hard to place in somebody these days. 

We easily jump to conclusions when someone doesn't call or text or inbox us, thinking they no longer care, but have we really become that shallow or dependent on technology to judge whether a person cares or not? I would like to give an example of my two very dear friends - Ni and Si - both have been inspiration of my many stories and I love them to bits. They are the ones whom I have truly been myself with and they are also the ones with whom I don't have to go through the accepted channels to show that I care. With them, if I am unable to talk to them over a continuous period of time, whenever we resume, it is like things have picked up from where we left them. 

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The worst feeling is when people heard you out of sympathy while you were down, they ensure that you pay them back for their time, their precious precious time that they spend listening to you - it means they were there for you. I don't understand why you have to emphatic with million conditions attached? Everything is now based on the fundamental concept of getting even - Quid Pro Quo! It saddens me really, when people state - "I have done so much for him/her, but he/she doesn't even care to stay in touch!" I think we all think ourselves to be victims and self-righteous individuals but we never try to step into the shoes of the person who seemingly appears to be at fault. We expect others to give us space, but hate it when others need it in their own way. It is always easier to judge when you are sitting on an ivory tower but very tough to understand someone else's hardships. 

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I write this only to highlight the fact that subject to the judgments that I have faced, I feel I should not succumb to doing this myself with anybody else. And till now, I have been successful. Do you find it tough to keep in touch too?

3 Oct 2013






It is one of those moments, when my life is flashing before my eyes. I could not begin to bear the pain which was developing in my heart, watching his back turned towards me. I slowly enter the bedroom, having no idea how to tell him that there was no way I was trying to bail out on him. It all started out well, but when Aakash's friend asked for my specific assistance in an upcoming project, I wanted to take it up. I had been married to Aakash for three years now and our love was still blossoming over time. I had been very hesitant to show my emotions first, since ours was an arranged marriage - with everybody from friends and families involved. I was essentially a cheerful person, happy and smiling always, but it took me a lot of trust to show my vulnerability to Aakash, who was a strong, determinate person, always ready with a wise decision and a quick mind. I did feel inadequate sometimes, but I also knew, that I balanced him in a lot of ways. I had never confessed my feelings for him, nor had he, but it was always in the small gestures. We never really said it, those three words, never really felt the need to.

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"Aakash?" He does not move, does not respond at all. It breaks my heart.

"Aakash, please look at me?" I move towards him and place my palm on his shoulder, standing towards his right.

"Please go, Niyati." He tells me without looking at me or raising his voice. I don't move and keep looking at him. My heart is beating so fast, that I could feel it in my throat and ears. The silence was killing me. I knew I had not done anything and the entire thing was just a massive miscommunication. I take his silence as a window and start talking.

"Aakash, I know what you heard sounded like I did something. But you have to trust me! Please?" I feel helpless and pathetic, trying to make him believe of my innocence. I mean, what happened to trust, love and everything we shared. I had opened up myself to him and here I was, trying to justify my actions. I was staring at him. His eyes were hard and dead set. Then I notice a tear roll down his eye. I am stunned. Did I really mess up our relationship? I feel myself crumble from within. Then he starts talking.

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"I never thought that you would choose him over me, Niyati! I had been asking you since morning to come on a dinner date with me. It's been ages that we spent time together! I miss your presence in my life! You and your project and that Manish! You have time for every freaking assignment and project that he assigns to you! He calls you at 6 today and you run like a little girl! I know I sound jealous and a possessive freak and I don't want to come between you and your dreams! I just don't like it when you don't seem to care about what I want! I love you God damn it! I don't want to lose you!" He finishes in a rush.


I listen to him with my eyes wide and tears streaming down. I fall down on my knees, unable to control my tears, watching him feel so much for me, loving me all the while and crying for me. In that moment, I realize how much I loved him. I could not breathe and wished he would hold me.He sat down next to me and held me in his arms. Tightly.
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"I love you too Aakash! You can decide not to trust me, but I...I will never betray you...how could you think about Manish and me like that? I understand I mismanaged my time and got excited about something, but that does not, will never, change my feelings for you!" I sob, with my head on his chest.

"I know and I am sorry." Aakash rests his chin on my head and we stay in each others' arms till the morning light shines through. When I look up into his eyes in the morning, I knew, we had created a bond, that had grown stronger still. The love had stood strong after the test of time. I called up Manish and asked for few days off, which he readily gave me. A new chapter of my life, with Aakash had begun. 

21 Sep 2013


गुजारिशें करते रह गए हम,
 हर आने जाने वाले राही  से,
के एक पल रुक सके वो अगर दो  चार शब्दों के लिए,
तो मिलेगी ख़ुशी हमें,
धधकती धूप में चलने पर भी। 

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किसे होगी फुर्सत इतनी,
के अजनबियों के नाम अपनी शाम कर दे। 
हम तो अपनों से अजनबी हुए,
तन्हा ही जीना सीख गए। 
कहा हमसे कितनों ने, के 
ज़ंजीरें  तूने खुद बाँधी हैं। 

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लेकिन ग़म रहा नहीं कभी इस कदर मिट जाने का,
खुशबू हमारी रह जाएँगी फिज़ाओं में ,
के शब् का भी कभी कोई नाम रहा है?
जन्नतें हासिल होती नहीं सिर्फ ख्वाबों के बिनाह  पर, 
एक ख्वाहिश तो कर दिल मेरे, कदम तेरे खुद ब खुद ही बढ़ जाएँगे।

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20 Sep 2013


"You are the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen, Sagarika..." Nikhil mused, holding me in his arms as I stared into the night sky. I could feel a tremor run through him but I don't look into his eyes. He is not the first man to tell me so, but every time someone has said this, it felt like a slap on my face. It was something I didn't want to hear. I wanted to hear something more real, more substantial and more deeper. Not something that's limited to superficial appreciation and I love yous. But what I was currently involved with, didn't let me have the luxury of feeling such things. And to hear something from this man, would have been a futile futile expectation. 

You are mine and only mine, 
I will, for you, build a shrine,
Touch me and tell me to shine, 
The night will drink you like a wine.

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"Hmmm, and this is the most beautiful night that I have ever seen. Are you sure you want to stay? I wouldn't do such a thing, if I were you, Nikhil." I turn my eyes towards him, looking into the two dark brown liquid pools that were dilated, soaked in my charisma. I loved the effect I had on him, but I was tired. I wanted to go back to the place where I belonged. My headquarters. My gun. My uniform. 

I am yours but never yours,
For him I have held you sure,
Can you see beyond the shore,
It's the darkness before the four.

"I want to stay. And I wouldn't find you again, I know. What if this is the last time I see you?" Nikhil insists, kissing my neck as I sigh and give in to the abysmal urge of the human body - to pretend to be satiated but never be so, to pretend to live like a saint but carry that taint forever - that need, that fire, which burns all the rights and wrongs and when that need becomes a necessity - the questions of right and wrong, morality and virtuosity cease to exist. I did not decide to propose my body because of my physical necessity. I did not. And sometimes there are bigger causes than yourself. I am lost in my own swirling thoughts while Nikhil tenderly keeps kissing me, never breaching the limit. I melt in his arms, pretending to doze off while I feel him roll over and get out of bed. I have to come back again tomorrow. 

You are a shell made up of lies
But I know how time flies,
Give and take your smiles and cries,
I am beyond your virgin prize.

He leaves quietly, leaving a small kiss on my cheek, without disturbing me as I roll over to find the horizon outside my window bleeding colors - spilling blue and gold and pink, coloring me in its hues. I hug myself tightly, crawl out of the bed, give a call to my agent, dress up and walk out of the hotel. No one bothers to throw a second glance towards me. I exhale and walk towards the waiting black Scorpio, haloed in the cold crisp fog.Yes, I was an undercover agent. No, I wasn't sleeping around for fun. I was tracking the biggest mafia of all times.

I am a puzzle not yet found,
Pieces of me disappear like sound,
Will you come back to turn around,
We are together, forever bound.

My co-agent drives quietly, not disturbing me of my reverie. I reach my area, dressed in the most inconspicuous clothing, a simple brown kurti and jeans, with my hair tied in a knot, my face devoid of any makeup. I hook my gun in the belt of my jeans, wear my watch and police id card in the Scorpio that drops almost a kilometer away from my house. I say goodbye to the agent who pulls away but stops ahead, keeping an eye on me while I walk briskly towards my home. I enter the apartment and unlock the door. 

Beep Beep Beep.

My official number rings the instant I sit on the sofa. A Private number. Ah, this could not be good.

"Sagarika, it's been three weeks since you have been on this mission. Have you reached anywhere close to what we had decided? I want him dead or alive in a week.." My client, the ACP tells me. He had taken special permission to go the unconventional way to capture the mafia - Ranjan aka Nikhil to me.
"I am on it Sir." I say and hang up. I have a headache building up, as I replay the events of last night. I had not asked any questions to Nikhil since the day we had accidentally met at The Blue. He was sitting next to me, drinking nothing but plain water, while I sipped on my strawberry daiquiri. I had one of my best looks on - a black sheath dress that was high necked and didn't reveal anything more than it should. Also the fact that my gun was attached to my thigh was relevant. He had cleared his throat and asked, "How do you like your drink?" I give him a nonchalant look and continue with my reverie. "I am sorry, I don't mean to intrude. Please carry on. However, if you need anything, just let me know." He offers, getting up, leaving his card on the bar. I notice that he owns The Blue. I look at him and let him go. He was exceptionally good looking, his hair chopped to perfection and no accessory to reveal he was filthy rich. He also definitely knew his game - he was testing me. I had left the card and walked out after my drink, only to notice in my peripheral vision that he had lingered outside near his car to check me out. 

You are dark cloud, shimmering like the moon,
You have me captured, running like a loon,
Will I ever leave you love, too soon?
What are you, bane or boon?

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Slowly, I had let him woo me, but I never asked a single question. I had a feeling that today could be the end of this. I had to end this. I knew he had fallen for me hard. Ranjan had to come out today - for me. I change and sleep - after a huge mug of coffee - to give myself some rest. I had barely dozed off when my phone rings again. The other phone. I don't pick up and ignore. I wanted to sleep so bad. After a while I receive a text. 
"I have a surprise for you tonight. Can I pick you up at around 8? Tell me where can I come?"
I reply after half an hour later. "Meet me at The Blue."
"Good choice, love. See you sooner."

I look at the clock, it's 8 AM in the morning - I had a LOT of time. I tried to push his thoughts out of my head and sleep, but they kept coming back - he loved me, but never touched me without my discretion, had never tried to force me and always left, in case I feel awkward. He never attended calls while I was with him,, had his focus completely on me - and all in all, he seemed such a nice guy that an ache build up in my heart. I didn't want to fall for him. I ignore my feelings and wait for the evening. I leave my hair open, wear a dark blue chiffon saree, with white pearls around my neck. My light brown eyes danced with mischief as I applied kohl. And my gun, it was hidden in the small corner of my handbag. I will have to be careful about that. I look beautiful - for Nikhil - for Ranjan. I call up my agent and tell him to meet me around 10 PM. I hail a taxi and get down at the Restaurant at 7:30 PM. I go inside and order plain water and wait. I had to calm myself down. I had a mission. I rest my forehead on my hand and stare at the crowd. I was nervous as hell - it would serious professional misconduct if I falter. But I was confused as well. I liked him. A lot. His smile was true and his demeanor not at all threatening. 

Tonight  it's fight or flight
Disastrous end or start in your sight,
What will I do, I have lost my might,
To love you forever, will be my delight.

"Hey." A finger caresses me, as I feel my heart miss a mighty beat. I turn around and give him the most indulgent smile I can muster. Nikhil looks spectacular in a black tux. He takes my arm and escorts me out to his waiting car. I am quiet. He seems so different, so much at ease. He asks his driver to leave and takes the wheel himself. I look at him, thinking of ways in which to shoot him, that would hurt him the least and not kill him. I can feel my handbag getting heavier by second. . 

"Why are you so quiet?" Nikhil asks as we move towards the beach. 
"Hmm? Nothing, I am just a little nervous." I reply truthfully.
"Haha! Why? Don't be. It's my turn to be nervous." He says. 
"Why? Planning to propose to me or what?" I wink at him, relaxing a little bit. 
"You never know." He grins. "But I have to tell you something." He says, as the car stops and we get down - to be welcomed by a artificially lit canopy, with a table and two chairs. A candle flame dances on the table, while a chilling champagne sits. I look at him in awe, as he takes my hand and walks towards it. We sit as he pours the drink and looks at me. "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, Sagarika. I love you." He says, his eyes wide and innocent - expecting me to say something.

I gave him a smile, not saying anything, but conveying everything from my eyes. I take a deep breath and hesitate. He looks at me enquiringly, "I would like to go the car for a while." I ask. He nods, a little tensed as I walk towards the car. I take out the gun and tuck it behind me. Nikhil is waiting patiently as I sit on the opposite chair and forward a card to him -

I know what you hide, in your heart I reside,
But will you be my own, if I turn the tide,
And if you choose and bide,
I can let you live by my side.

"Sagarika?.... I am Ranjan." He says, tensed.
"I know." I say. I watch him get up slowly and come towards me. At that moment, I know I have to make a choice. I smile at him, locking my eyes with him. He bends down, his lips inches from mine and his intoxicating breath making me swoon. I hold my breath and do not make a movement. He suddenly grips my throat lightly and tilts my head, bending over me. I slowly put my right arm behind my back and take a hold on the gun. 

"Are you not afraid of me? I own this place - the sand you walk on, the air you breathe and the water you drink....every single thing. Even your life, Sagarika." He says, gritting his teeth, but not in anger, There is a vulnerability in him, that is dying to come out. 
"I am not afraid of you. I have given you my nights and days, Rajan. Your name or this pseudo hubris does not make any difference to me." I say, sounding more confident than I feel. I close my eyes and wait for the tense moment to pass. He gives me a soft peck on my lips and leaves. I sigh, opening my eyes and look at him. I know at my cue, everyone with close in. I ask him to walk with me on the beach, towards my targeted area. He smiles sadly and walks. Once we reach near a shack - I turn towards him in the moonlight. I suddenly hug him, surprising him. He hugs me back tightly and once we are in the moment, I whisper in his ears, "Forgive me for this, but I promise to save you." Understanding dawns upon him as I shoot him in the shoulder blade. He staggers with a soft scream - "What the hell....!" as I shoot in his thigh, as my team starts closing on him from all the sides. I feel tears streaming down my eyes as I rush to break his fall and whisper in his ears - "I love you. Always Have. Always Will." as he loses his consciousness, smiling.

And there are no words for what I feel,
Was it love or the fortune wheel?
Forever my love will be true,
I trust you, do you?

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24 Aug 2013

Touch the sky.

It all starts with that one moment of your life, when you decide that you no longer want to be a part of the toxicity that bogs you down. It so may happen that you may not recognize what is pulling you into your grave, but then, some time or the other, we all have been the victim of our own thoughts. And in that moment, a miracle happens - always, without fail. You are presented with a choice - between maintaining the status quo or fighting it and dodging it for a different path, a different route. 

I was told by my father once, that I am a born fighter, that I would never cower in the grueling circumstances. I do not know whether I have succeeded in doing so, but in the past few years, I have found it easier to detach myself from people or circumstances that seem negative or averse to me. I try to pacify the situation first, if it does not work for me, I move on. I just move on. I do not feel any emotion or pain. I just feel like I have left behind another burden that had made breathing and walking difficult for me. Recently such leaving and moving on has become easier for me. I do not expect from people and I find myself uncomfortable if they expect a notch higher from me than they should - this is usually from the people who do not know me too well and those who do, need not expect as they know I would be there for them without saying anything. The number of the people I am closest to has narrowed down to handful. But even then I do not find myself panicking if left alone. I have been called an escapist by some and the true wanderer by some. I have also been called as indifferent or a cruel person by people who, as they say, love me.

But I don't question their love for me. No. But I do wonder if I am living my life or theirs. The events that have brought me here were massively and obscenely atrocious for me and except for my family and few chosen friends and the perpetrator himself, no one knows what it is. However, there were few friends who heard me out. As I moved on, I cut off every single contact from anybody who reminds of the place or the incident. Every single voice or  phone number or text frightens me and makes me want to erase every trace of me from every body's life. But yes, that is not possible. So, yet again, I remain quiet and concur to the accusations of not being in touch, quietly. What do I say? I want to move on? I want to forget whatever you are or whatever you have done. And every waking moment for me is like a battle with myself. I have become calmer, but I have also become numb in ways I cannot seem to fathom. I am no more forging ties and strings of any relations - though there are relations of societal norms that I keep, but I seem to no longer need them. 

I have been trying to come to terms with the things happening around me - like little miracles to save me that occur when I have just felt a cold tide wash over me. If I could show, I would, how harsh words of people, who have barely known me, but like to modulate my life,  make me shiver. But the very next moment - there are words of wisdom washing within me - This too shall pass - and I feel the fuzzy warmth spreading in my chest. I realize that the people who are commenting on my decisions - and they most certainly are not my people - whom I dearly cherish - are the ones who have not yet stepped into the real world, who see the world through not theirs, but the eyes of others. They are the ones who have accumulated wealth that will not be with them and they are not ready to accept so. And in that moment, even though I am physically alone, I feel the presence of love and blessings of my people.

You may be going through the worst phase of your life, with people turning weasels every second, people snitching and snaking their ways around and about your life, with people who are of no consequence trying to assuage you and deviate you from something that you decided to do, because it was the one chance that was given to you, and you didn't want to lose and people, who just relish the idea of you being destroyed, will get a chance to win over you. The only thing that you have to remember is that patience, even though the hardest to attain is within us. No one controls our lives other than ourselves. 

"It takes a huge effort to free yourself from memory."
"You have two choices, to control your mind or to let your mind control you."

And I hope as I am dealing and learning, so will you find solace in my words. Blessed be my people, forever and always.

PS: All the quotations are from Paulo Coelho's various works. He is undeniably my favorite novelist, next only to Ruskin Bond.

31 Jul 2013


रंगों से बनी, फूलों सी नाज़ुक है वो मनचली,
नाचती आँखों से देखे वो दुनिया,
थिरकते क़दमों से वो नापे दुनिया,
छु कर भागे तो मौसम रंग बदले,
मुकुराए तो भँवरे हो बावरे।

हो के मगन जब गाये वो,
बदरा बिखरे, भिगायें उसके आँचल को,
दस्तक दे नए यौवन को, 
परी सी उड़े वो, मदमस्त तितली सी वो,
है अनोखी, अनछुई सी, 
सखी वो मेरी या मेरी ही परछाई।

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देखो वो खोये न कहीं, मन के  किसी कोने में,
छुपा लो उसे दिल में कहीं, मिल जाए तुमसे वो,
गर कहीं यूँ ही, तो  बचा लेना उसे,
सबकी नज़रों से दूर, रखना उसे संजो के,
परी है वो जो आई है सिर्फ तुम्हारे लिये।

After almost five years, I am writing in Hindi again. It's beautiful and makes me think from heart again. Hope you like it. Blessed be.