12 May 2012

Shades of Darkness

Blessed Be My Beloved Stars,

I am sorry that I've been giving some Dark stuff out here...but you know what, I love the Darkness nonetheless,   because even when it's dark, we can see the Light. Our eyes adjust to it and then there's no darkness. It becomes a beautiful shade of dark blue. Blue - the color of the Night sky, the color of Intelligence, Magic, Ice, Cold, Love that has frozen in my heart - All are beautiful shades of Blue.

Dark Blue - a color I love too much these days. Music is also painting the blue in my mind.
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How are you? I hope you are all well and none of the screwed up Darkness touches your mind. :) I am going for a break - well it's a break that doesn't really give me a break - have to write an exam (with the blessings of some friends who think it's sheer luck that I pass and score as much as they do - even if they have read much more than I have - so Blessed Heaven, save me this time. I have made enemies). They remind me of Red. The color of Hunger, Passion, Fierceness, Hatred and Blood. Red, the color of Love - that flows from our hearts to the hearts of the ones we love.

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I want to break away from the tree that I have grown from. Yes, one may think I am such an insensitive person, but believe me, bitterness comes to you, when you grow up too quick. Some childhood memories which made me feel like - never mind - when you grow up, you are expected to change. Forget the past and move on. A friend of mine keeps sending me articles, quotations relating to the fact of thinking too much. I am too serious in life - unnecessarily so. And my friend is absolutely right. I am serious. I've tried to be playful - but that's not who I am. I want a break from what I should be, what I should do. But I've not I idea. So much like Grey - it's a confused color - Not black, not white. Nonetheless, a neutral confluence.

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Suggestions, Advises, Corrections, Lectures - Ah, why do I even talk? I mean, something has fucked up my immense patience. I cannot listen to anyone without cutting them and trying to prove myself right. I am always angry and in a sour mood. I don't remember when I really laughed the last time. Like a child. I don't even know what should I be prepared for. I am losing all the control I had on my life, on my people and on myself. In the past two years, I've done things, pushed limits, got myself in such situations - even the most infamous and notorious people of the history would be ashamed. 

I am planning to just hover around the edges you know, not talk or do anything. I will write my exams like every year and bid adieu to the Law College. Then, let's see. Life is predictable sometimes, but we know, it's all in what we think. But then, it also kicks your ass when you start getting too smug. There's always a pattern - destructive but comforting. Like Green fields. Expanding, changing colors, looking beautiful from a distance, but studded with mole holes at some places. And patterns are very tough to break - unless someone is looped in with you, they will never know. And it's a pain to see someone you love, going through what crap you are going through. I am planning to relieve some of them. I hope God gives me patience enough to let them be. You know? Let them be in my life, but with enough happiness so that my Darkness is overshadowed by their Light. So, enough for my depressing thoughts. This is NOT me. I want to go back to what I used to be. And I will be back soon. Don't miss me.

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Till the next time, keep rowing your boat, shore ain't that far away. Blessed Be! :)


Swarnali said...

Wish i could just hold your hands and hug you tight...I don't know the hell you are in but I can feel the pain,trust me. I hope you find yourself soon. Love.

Rahul said...

Dark,fucked up and angry,huh?:-D Sounds like right up my alley.This post..loved the portrayal.

Bhargavi Kashyap said...

Nothing is forever :)
Nothing will last for long.
am sure, soon you will over it.
Take Care :)
All the very best for exam :)

Much Love :)

N. said...

Hey all the best for paper.
And something that helps me always "This too shall pass". Whatever is it that is bothering you wont stay for ever just be at your strongest front.

Take care MSM.

Soumya said...

This post is me. Dark, deep and sensuous. This post is you. Clear, bright and filled with hope.

All the best for your exams dear.

Hugs <3

Ruhani said...

Whatever you do, always be who you actually are, no matter what anyone else says. That is what will make you happy eventually :)

Rahul said...

http://randomrahul.blogspot.in/2012/05/versatile-award.html Do check it out if you got some time...:-)

Mystical Skeptical Me said...

I know I am superr late to reply, but I am so glad for all the support you have shown me... Soumya, I have missed you. Rahul, Swarnali, Ruhani, N., Bhargavi....This means so much to me... Thank you for understanding and alleviating what ever I am going through.

Blessed Be All of You!! :D :D