12 May 2012

Shades of Darkness

Blessed Be My Beloved Stars,

I am sorry that I've been giving some Dark stuff out here...but you know what, I love the Darkness nonetheless,   because even when it's dark, we can see the Light. Our eyes adjust to it and then there's no darkness. It becomes a beautiful shade of dark blue. Blue - the color of the Night sky, the color of Intelligence, Magic, Ice, Cold, Love that has frozen in my heart - All are beautiful shades of Blue.

Dark Blue - a color I love too much these days. Music is also painting the blue in my mind.
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How are you? I hope you are all well and none of the screwed up Darkness touches your mind. :) I am going for a break - well it's a break that doesn't really give me a break - have to write an exam (with the blessings of some friends who think it's sheer luck that I pass and score as much as they do - even if they have read much more than I have - so Blessed Heaven, save me this time. I have made enemies). They remind me of Red. The color of Hunger, Passion, Fierceness, Hatred and Blood. Red, the color of Love - that flows from our hearts to the hearts of the ones we love.

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I want to break away from the tree that I have grown from. Yes, one may think I am such an insensitive person, but believe me, bitterness comes to you, when you grow up too quick. Some childhood memories which made me feel like - never mind - when you grow up, you are expected to change. Forget the past and move on. A friend of mine keeps sending me articles, quotations relating to the fact of thinking too much. I am too serious in life - unnecessarily so. And my friend is absolutely right. I am serious. I've tried to be playful - but that's not who I am. I want a break from what I should be, what I should do. But I've not I idea. So much like Grey - it's a confused color - Not black, not white. Nonetheless, a neutral confluence.

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Suggestions, Advises, Corrections, Lectures - Ah, why do I even talk? I mean, something has fucked up my immense patience. I cannot listen to anyone without cutting them and trying to prove myself right. I am always angry and in a sour mood. I don't remember when I really laughed the last time. Like a child. I don't even know what should I be prepared for. I am losing all the control I had on my life, on my people and on myself. In the past two years, I've done things, pushed limits, got myself in such situations - even the most infamous and notorious people of the history would be ashamed. 

I am planning to just hover around the edges you know, not talk or do anything. I will write my exams like every year and bid adieu to the Law College. Then, let's see. Life is predictable sometimes, but we know, it's all in what we think. But then, it also kicks your ass when you start getting too smug. There's always a pattern - destructive but comforting. Like Green fields. Expanding, changing colors, looking beautiful from a distance, but studded with mole holes at some places. And patterns are very tough to break - unless someone is looped in with you, they will never know. And it's a pain to see someone you love, going through what crap you are going through. I am planning to relieve some of them. I hope God gives me patience enough to let them be. You know? Let them be in my life, but with enough happiness so that my Darkness is overshadowed by their Light. So, enough for my depressing thoughts. This is NOT me. I want to go back to what I used to be. And I will be back soon. Don't miss me.

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Till the next time, keep rowing your boat, shore ain't that far away. Blessed Be! :)

11 May 2012

Shadows in Mirror

Blessed Be Lovely People,

Here's a little poem I wrote last night. Sleeping at nights these days is scary, with my nightmares as my partners. Ever had the feeling of walking on a tight rope - make that a glass one for me. 

Oh, you sweet sweet little thing,
Done with all your baubles and bling?
You stand before me every single day,
Standing dainty and pretty like Fey.
Clap Clap Clap,
The thunderous tap,
Don your Princess dress and wear your crystal hat,

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Lights shine upon your beautiful face,
Suitors and Knights run in an unmatched race.
For you to touch, for you to try,
One look at them, you have everything to buy.

But when darkness falls and you return to me,
Alone and shattered like a barren tree.
Your lipstick smudged, your eyes bright,
You yell at me and scream in fright.
I watch you break and curse the fate,
You’re so intense, your love for me you hate.

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But you know only I love you,
Only I stay, forever true.
I know who are you and what you become,
Yet, I stop you from becoming numb,
Where will you go, away from me?
How can I let you be?

And though you await the cold embrace of Death,
I will hold your shadows close, like your relieved breath,
You are the Mistress of Damage and Error,
And I will haunt you forever my love, trapped in your broken Mirror.

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Goodbyes are always hard, aren't they? No matter what you leave behind - something or someone, it eventually pains, because memories have a funny way to remind us of them. We change, meet new people every day - some linger, some hover, some stay, some are mere reminders of what we can never be or what we are not. Human existence is based on this very Fragile fact - everything comes to an end. Nothing - nothing is Immortal. Sometimes, you need to disappear, you need to hide somewhere, from yourself - when you become something you are not, when you do things you wouldn't in your dizziest daydreams, when you cannot recognize yourself when you look in the mirror. Loneliness isn't a bad feeling - it connects you to YOU. But what do you do when you want to reflect within yourself - As Amy Lee says - I look into myself, but my own heart has been changed. I am looking for a place, where no one knows me, where no one cares, where no one expects anything from me, where no one loves me, where no one hates me. I am looking for a place, where I am what I am, where if I do something, I do it without any fear, where no one stops me, where no one asks me to move. I am looking for a place, where I can smile without hurting my jaws, where my tears don't pain my eyes, where my soul tells me - Now I have found you

PS: Mirrors, they say, capture the soul of a person. In many legends, it's believed, that when someone dies, the mirrors are to be covered, otherwise, the soul remains tied in the other side and cannot go to where it's meant to. Here, the reflection is talking to her person. Reflection = Soul. Blessed Be!

7 May 2012

War, Heart, Blood and Fire...

 Maaaaa........NOOOOOO!!!!!! DAD!! Watch out!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

*Sound of gunshot*

Dark. Cold. Damp. 

"Is she dead?" I hear a man's voice very close to me. I hold my breath as a finger hovers near my nostrils. I cringe internally.
"Naah, the bitch ain't dead. Just out cold!" I hear a mocking voice and lot of footsteps around me. Oh God. I am with them. The enemies. I feel my body through my mind - I feel all right except a little pain towards the left side of my ribs. My dagger, tucked inside my vest is still intact – cold against the warmth of my body. I am alive. Surprise, they have not found my weapon yet. What happened? My family! I feel a tear leak out of my left eye.
"She is hot, dude! It's been a while. Wanna give a shot?!" Third man's voice. Leering and disgusting. Heaven save me. 
"You dare fucking touch her and I will kill you!" That voice. I feel myself sinking. Where have I heard this voice before? Where?
"Whoa! Man, what's your problem? She ain't your bitch - we found her - you just killed her family, but we got her here! So, she is ours!" Lot of commotion. They want me - want to devour me.
"I am warning you the last time. Any one of you fucking touches her and I will forget we are together. Do.You.Hear.Me? I will kill her myself." He repeats – his voice cold as steel knife. I shiver. This time, there's no argument. I feel people leave and involuntarily, I exhale in relief.
"You can open your eyes. You're safe now." He is talking to me. But I am dead afraid to see what will be before me. I am suddenly in air - he has lifted me up - and lowers me on a bed. My heart has forgotten to beat. He isn't my savior. I feel the quilt around me, as he tucks me in the bed. 
"I am right here - if you need anything." He assures me as I whisper a soft Thank you.

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Pain. Fear. Loss.

"Hello? Excuse me?" I whisper at the silhouette sitting a good 5-6 feet apart from the bed. My heart thuds in fear of unknown. What if this is someone else? Better. I would rather die than live.
"Yes. I am here. Do you feel all right?" Same voice. It's too dark to see who he is. But I know the voice. I feel him walk towards me as I rise and sit on the bed. I need to get out of this place but not before taking some of these people down with me.
"I am good. Are you going to kill me now?" I ask, gritting my teeth. 
"Hahah. I saved your life! Why would I kill you now?" He says - boyish laughter lacing his voice. 
"You killed my family. And I should be grateful to you for letting me live?" I mock. Seriously. Things these people expect. There's a reason why this is called a War.
"No. I could not...kill...you." His voice chokes. Strange. And a weakness that could definitely kill.
"Too bad...'cause I ain't letting you live." I leap on him with my dagger aimed for his neck. I am not a combatant but I am not weak either. He swiftly raises his palm as my knife slashes a deep cut in his left shoulder.
"Oh no you don't!" He grabs me by my waist and throws me on the floor. His left arm is bleeding as he holds both my arms down on the floor. And in the light falling on him from a distance, I see his face as his blood colors me. My eyes widen as the dagger drops from my hand.

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 Love. Memories. Truth.

What the fuck?!” I feel numbness creeping all over me.
Get out of here before they come. They wouldn’t like what they see.” Kay shoves me aside, his gun pointing at my chest.

Kay – my childhood best friend. Kay, the topper of his University. Kay – my first love. The one who was interested in all that communist jazz for which I used to tease him. I had asked him once if he could shoot me, if I ever went to the dark side. Who knew, that childish banter would come true?

He killed my family. He is enemy. But I used to love him. No, I will not let myself weaken. Kay points at the ventilation window, directing me to escape as he turns around to check.

Kay. I never forgot you.” I pull him to me and shove the dagger deep into his heart. The ghost of a smile that had touched his lips briefly leaves, as he gapes in shock. I stab him again as he falls on me, the trigger of his gun pressing.

The bullet scrapes my waist as I free myself of his weight and jump off the window. This Pain is Beautiful. This War has ended.

Heartbeat a Heartbeat I need a Heartbeat a Heartbeat.
Tell me would you kill to save a life.

A song that fires me up like anything. It's called Hurricane (Click on the linkfrom 30 Seconds to Mars. Here's a Lyrics video  for you. The last two lines are from there. Lemme know what you think. :)

Till the next time fellas - Keep the fire alive and chase your dreams to light. Blessed be!