18 Mar 2012

Frosted Hearts and Melted Minds

Hia Everyone! Blessed Be! Long time No see? *Guilty Grin* 

So, umm, you guys still reading me? I guess not. I have practically killed my Blog. Haven't I?

But no blame game happening here! I'm going to be back with some fascinating info. But more of that for later. I was practically invisible, for 2012 has been like a Massive Roller Coaster. Some unexpected happy events happened but a LOT of expected disasters happened too! Oh but wait, they weren't exactly disasters. I learnt a lot and a lot of my fears have now turned to ashes. And yes, I am blabbering right now, because it's been a while that I've written something.

Image Source: morelco.net
First I thought I'll not talk about this. You know, it feels like I am whining. But since I've already started, let me vent it all out. You can choose not to read my rant or just be with me till the end.

January, I was late for the last semester of my Law School. It had been a few days when on 24th January, my father revealed to me a news I was aware of, but was not expecting. My mother had been diagnosed with IInd Grade Carcinoma of the Oral Cavity. In simple terms, she had oral cancer. Now, how much ever you try to be calm and rational, this word gets to you. Cancer. My father called me up. Texted me the detailed report and suddenly, being strong felt like a burden I didn't want to carry. I wasn't ready. We never are, even when life keeps throwing signs at our face, we never are.
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So on 28th January, I rushed back home. At 10 in the night of 29th Jan, I was at the gates of the Cancer Hospital. Seeing my mother waiting for me took immense courage to not burst out crying. She was smiling. I was smiling. And we both could see the fragility of the moment. I hugged her, lest I spoil everything. I continued my brainless chatter and came home. Cold. Lonely. Scared. On 30th, she had her surgery. Now my mother was being strong until the stretcher came to take her. Then she cried. Cried, Cried and Cried. My brother and I were with her till she was unconscious and was wheeled away into the OT. The surgery went on for 5 hours. Her tumor was larger than anticipated. Then they shifted her to ICU. So, well, I cried finally. That the ordeal was over. I didn't go to hospital till she was there. I would do everything needed of me but not stay in there for more than an hour. I am coward that way. She came back home and I came back to my routine life. But I also came with a very valuable lesson.
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It's so easy to tell someone we love them, but do we realize, how less often we say it to the ones who really matter? I somehow have gotten closed in within myself. There's a child in me that has gotten really scared. Really frightened to lose the ones I love. I have always feared it, we all are scared, aren't we? But I know now I am more scared to create bonds, lest I disrespect them, I don't keep up with them. I don't show enough. I am not expressive enough. And this has made me push people away. How do I be more open? How do I say I love you like it's as simple as breathing. I rely on feelings. And I believe if you know me, you'd know I love you. And when my mother said, "I know you never show it, but I know you love me the most." I couldn't stop myself from giving her a watery grin. She is my mother after all.

This was a very impersonal piece and I don't know if I should have written this in the first place. But now that I've written this, I feel better.So, that happened with my mother. We are still going through this, but now we have admitted to ourselves, that this is a part of life and we will just stand by her. She is amazing that way, you know, doesn't show how freaked out she was. And I am proud to be her daughter.

In the list of good things that happened - there is one that has shown life to me in a different light. The effect is that I am letting go a lot of my inhibitions. And insecurities. I hope to cherish this one experience like I have done with nothing before. And I hope, I don't live up to my reputation of being a Temptress and Enchantress of Words/Worlds which exist in my head - may be or may be not. Okay, you see, I am losing the string of the conversation.
Image Source:desgnzzz.com
I have been researching on few things. Seeing my past posts, where I've almost left all the stories incomplete, I need to start afresh. If you could drop in some suggestions, I would be really glad. Be with me. Okay?

Blessed Be My Dears! Till the next time, keep an eye open for the extraordinary and the other for little simple things which we ignore. Hmm? Promise me this.

PS: No words of sympathy please. Just Be With Me. :D
PPS: WELCOME to the 100th Follower Kajal. Thank you! And welcome here! :D

14 comments:

Atrocious Scribblings said...

Firstly, Most of our blogs are in deep coma not just yours mine probably with an additional failing pulse but worry not because I reckon what and how you write ultimately trumps the inertia.

I do hope your Mum is doing well post her mammoth surgery and wish her a speedy recovery to the pinkest of health. She will most definitely be in my prayers.

Also, the good thing about not living upto expectations is that you get to surprise people every single time. The point about not letting the people you love the most know is true but probably because we take them for granted.

Do come back with your posts soon, would love to latch on to them.

Cheers :)

TheGirlAtFirstAvenue said...

Proud of you for holding up so well! :)
And yes there are people still reading your blog.. so start writing as and when time permits.
My prayers to your family.. be strong!

♥ www.thegirlatfirstavenue.com

Mystical Skeptical Me said...

@Chandana: :D Thank you! :) Hehe. I was expecting your comment you know...I don't know why :D

PS: Tell me how to make that heart no. Please? :D :D :D

Mystical Skeptical Me said...

@Atrocious Scribblings: Oh, I couldn't have agreed more...you know, this lull is weird. But as you said, writing is what we gotta do. Thank you for the Prayer! :D Hehehe, Yeah! I saw that this time you know, no one was expecting me to show that I cared for her and when I did...Achcha laga. :D :D For Granted is true... But when you realize that, it's kinda heart-breaking.

I loved your last post by the way. It came at the right time. Why women are always stressed? *Phew* :D
Blessed Be! :)

Confused Soul said...

The entire blogosphere seems on hibernation mode.
No one's writing. I feel my posts have become random too.
But you're posts are something I love. They fill me with so much positivity and magic. Love that.

This blog post was no exception. I'm glad you feel better having let out all that within you. You can't be strong all the time, sometimes its best to let go.

I'm not sympathetic towards you, because I know you guys are going to fight it out. You're a fighter and I have faith in you! Just little reminders to show that the love you have needs to be expressed. And you're doing that!

Always with you. God bless :)

Mystical Skeptical Me said...

@Confused Soul: Oh, I am glad...they affect you that way. Love you! :D I know...I had to let this out...It was affecting my functioning... So I let go... Thank you for believing in me, in us. Yes, I am learning the art to express. Some time, in some time... I think I'll be able to. Goddess Be With You!! Much Love. :D

Jen..The Butterfly Effect said...

This is my first time on your blog and I'm so in awe of your writing!!! It simply feels good to be here!! :)

Prayers,happiness and love to your family!
And your new follower :D Will be visiting you often!! :)

Mystical Skeptical Me said...

@Jen: A Warm Warm welcome to you my dear! :D Blessed Be from Mystical Skeptical Me. Thank you for that compliment and the prayers! :D :D

Hello to you my follower! :D :D Glad to have you here! :D :D

maithili said...

Well almost everyone is not writing.. I guess life is happening to everyone :P
I pray that your mother recovers soon and I pray that you get all the strength and happiness :)

Archana Chari said...

Wishes, prayers and hugs. Stay strong and proud of you! First time here :)

Kavi said...

There are some people who just have the flair for inspirational writing. And you are one of them! :) I really admire you.
There's a certain funkiness in your writing that I'm so jealous of; but love reading!! :D
Lots of love,
-
Kavi (Edible Entertainment)

Mystical Skeptical Me said...

@Archana: Hey Girl! Welcome to Mystical Skeptical Me! Blessed be! And a million thank yous to you for wishing and praying for my people and me. :) *Hugs* Thank you! Keep Visiting. I promise I don't only complain ;)

@Kavi: Oh, Thank you! :) :D I think I need inspiration from people who read me, you bear with me! :D :D Heheh, comeon! Don't be jealous, it's all in good faith! :D :D Blessed be! And welcome to this world of magic! :D:D

Bhargavi Kashyap said...

Pradeeta, hope your mum is fine now :)
Prayers :)
And well, talk about vanishing :P
Much Love :)

Mystical Skeptical Me said...

@Bhargavi: Maa is recovering.. :) :) Yes, you need to talk to me...ASAP. :D:D

Love you as well! :D