Blessed Be Everyone!
I came home. And everything is messed up here. I have lost my Naani (Maternal Grandmother), the day I arrived here. Somewhere deep down I believed that she will be all right. I had put my faith in HIM. Now I feel, she is saved from the heavy life she had to live here, in her old days. It's tough to handle Mum. And it's more tough to believe that she is no more.
She was beautiful, brown eyes and long hair, grayed but luscious. And we shared our love for coffee. She never mocked me for being fat, made a point to call me beautiful, wished to see me married in red - Bengali Style. I feel proud to be related to her. She always saved things for me - baby cucumbers, orange candies, Paan (Beetle Leaves), books and her love.
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My paternal grandma is biased - as in she is prejudiced when it comes to girls. No, when it comes to me. She has always disliked me, hated me since the day I was born - a girl and premature. And I have hated her right back. I don't disrespect her. I avoid her. She knows that. We talk like Frenemies. She makes a point to call a gathering and display my *beauty* - "Oh she has such a beautiful face but she is so fat. God is so unjust! Tch Tch." "Oh, you want to be a Darzi?? (Fashion Designer)...will you get money?" "What, you are becoming a lawyer? Who will marry you? Eh, you are so fat." etc. I don't intend to insult my Daadi Maa. But the stark difference between both my Grandmother hurts me. And my reasons for going to village is now gone. I am trying to live normally, standing by my Mother, for now she links me to her mother.
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But nothing, nothing can fill the void. I am unable to cry for the feeling hasn't sunk in. I cannot believe she is gone. I cannot. She stayed with me for two months. And suddenly she is gone.
Trying to forget you, letting you fade away,
Fact of life, tough to believe, easy to say,
Your place in my heart, who can replace,
I am your daughter, I need your embrace,
My heart rejoices, for you have finally found peace,
But without you my breath, my life now seems bleak,
I know you see me, I can feel you in my heart,
You made me believe, true love exists from start,
I was beautiful when I was with you,
I was complete, when your smile was true,
I pine for you, but the halo has touched you,
You are now in HIS loving protection,
May happiness be your ultimate destination.
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I am trying to move on with my life. My parents will leave to attend her last rites but I have to stay back. Friggin' Exams. She knows how freaked out I get. I haven't shed a tear yet. I know I will, when I am alone. The feeling hasn't sunk in. Yet. Forgive me. For I need strength. Stand by me. For I need Love. Hold my hand. For I know, I am true. So be you.
Blessed be my beloved people. Till the next time believe that Death is the Ultimate Peace, the truth we need not fear.