31 Oct 2011

What's my name? ;)

Blessed be, morning and lots of love, fellas!

*Disclaimer: Narcissist post ahead. Go on, read. I know, I am charming... ;)*

Sorry for that over dramatic disclaimer. Thought I'd break the rut of sad, earth shattering powers and magicks and slightly hover at the fringe for a while. Halloween is round the corner and even though I have never ever celebrated it, my secret desire is to be there, anywhere, once. And no, I am not telling who I will be dressed as. :P
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On a serious note, this post was due for a while now. So, most of you know my name by now and those who do not - it's Pradeeta. Now, like everyone, I used to wonder what my name meant. The person who gave me this name never gave me a clear idea and I was obsessed with the fact that my name was something different, something unique. It scared me. I grew up. Yes, and then decided to ask the person who gave me this name. Now this person is my Paternal Grandfather's brother and was an English Lecturer in the village. 

Image Source: Google Images
I asked him what does my name mean, because when someone asks me, I am unable to tell them. He told me that he read about it in a book. And the story associated with the name goes as follows:
Once upon a time (Yeah, I know, typical) there was a king, who's wife gave birth to a beautiful daughter. The astrologer in king's court warned him that this daughter will be the reason for his fall and that she should be killed. King was in a war with another ruler at that point of time and realized that this daughter might make him lose, so one day, he went to a faraway forest and left his few weeks old daughter in the jungle, hoping that some animal will kill her. (:|) Anyhow, the girl was not mauled/killed/destroyed by any animal. Instead, listening to her cries, a bird catcher rescued her and brought her up. He named her Pradeeta. (Wow!) She grows up to be a beautiful women and #Cliche' Alert, a Prince sees her and takes her hand and marries her. 
End of the Story.
Image Source: www.123rf.com

There was something about this story that never satisfied me. When I got hang of technology, I scanned every single page on the internet to know what my name meant. My father told me Pradeeta was derived from Sanskrit word "Pradatt" which meant "God's Gift". Now this meaning too sounded very *ahem* egotist when I used to tell people. I came across a Scandinavian page which said "Prad" is a root word, meaning small meadow - Seriously, by then, I was strongly disheartened. *Yes, I know. That is why I said, this was narcissistic ;)*
"Tut tut, fame clearly isn't everything."
After all, what's in a name? But I believe and so do all of us, that names are important as they create identity of a person, shape the psyche and attitude as well. With my name, it was always tough for people to remember. Some called me "Pardeeta" "Parineeta" "Praneeta" and I just got used to the similar sounding words by which I was recognized. *Sigh, being complacent can be bad sometimes*

Now, I have in my previous post *Nothing Else Matters* mentioned a roommate; I have also mentioned about her at DOV. Let's call her N. N is one of the most well read girls I have met and she has a special affinity for anything Japanese. She knows the language and would marry a Japanese guy at the drop of a hat. *N, I love you for those moments when  we check out adorable Japanese Guys together ;)* Anyhow, I was ranting about my miseries that how my name has bothered me so much so that now I really am on a mission to know what it means. Her answer was simple. And it shocked me so much that I stared at her like a Blow Fish. She said - 

"You know, Pradeeta sounds like Perdita, the heroine of William Shakespeare's Winter's Tale"

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I felt that may be this is true and immediately checked it up. And yes, the story is same but freakkin' Spelling is WRONG! 

I read up whatever I could and learnt that Perdita was abandoned by her father, the King of Sicilia, who believed that she is an illegitimate child. Perdita (Click on the link to read about her) in Latin means "the lost one" and coincidentally, I have been termed as the one who is always lost in her own world. In my case, the meaning of lost changes. However, you will understand, how pacifying this was, that finally, after 23 years of intrigue and mystery, I understood and got the meaning of my name. And boy, don't I love it? :D

Image Source: bbc.co.uk
PS: I love Italian Culture. The name and Perdita's heritage are from Italy. Woohoo! ;)

30 Oct 2011

The Woman who never loved

Blessed be my beloved people! :)

I have seriously missed writing some mystical stuff, which has been accumulating in my "To do" list and a special thanks to the never-ending Fear Series (I am sorry people, I am out of ideas for that), my creativity has hit a new low. Also, with the law internship, I have come to realize that law truly is indeed a Jealous Mistress. She never spares me. Red, you would know what I am talking about. ;)  Anyhow, first things first. I will try and end the Fear Series, in just one more post, so that you all are spared from the wrath of omg-another-never-ending part.

So, with all this beauty in my life...no, no, I am not disliking it, infact, I am loving it...okay, I will stop blabbering and present to you a different piece, starting afresh. The poem I am giving here, is a result of my reflective mode, when I had discovered that being a woman is never easy. The insipiration for this one was from Paulo Coelho's book Eleven Minutes  - the verse being A Hymn to Isis: Nag Hammadi - 3rd or 4th Century AD. You can read the actual poem Here.

Image Source: Google Images

 I am the truth made up of lies, I am a smile filled with tears, 
I am the peace borne in pain,
I am the woman in love, who never loved.
I keep walking but my feet never move, 
I am alive but my heart never beats, 
I want you but I don't need you, 
I love you but I cannot love you.

I speak all the time but my lips don't part, 
I keep watching you but my eyes don't see, 
I touch but I am so numb, I do not feel, 
I am the woman in love, who never loved

I bring storms followed by peace, 
I am the rain that breaks the thunder, 
I am the moon but I don't shine, 
I bring harmony but I break the sequence.

I am the undesireable who is so desirable, 
I am a dream that is so real, 
I am a friend but I am the enemy, 
I am the Goddess who is the Devil, 
I am the woman in love, who never loved.

I am the ultimate emancipation, but I am the sufferer, 
I hold you but I will never have you, 
I am the beauty that is so ugly, 
I am the woman...
Who loves you but cannot love you
I am the woman....
In love, I never loved.

Image Source: vi.sualize.us
I leave with this, to bring some good posts for you all! Blessed Be! Till the next time, believe not what you see, but what your heart says, is true. Much Love. 

18 Oct 2011

Nothing Else Matters - Rock the Heaven!

This one's for you mate, I know you are rocking up there...may be you have found a way back to the earth, but I would be much happier if you stay there....it's crappy down here!

I think of you almost every day...and today I had to get this off my chest, it's been four years since you are gone. That gruesome accident took you away from me...and I wish, if you were taken to the hospital earlier, things would have been different and much much much better. The Girl you loved, is now my room mate and we are bound together by our love for you, we think of the times, when you would flirt with me and her, but how true your love was for her, I know...and that is why, I promised to myself, I will take care of your girl :) :D

It wasn't for a long time that we knew each other, but you understood me, the moment you sat down next to me on that first bench. You, Stuti and I - Partners in Crime. I remember that contagious laughter, which would crinkle your eyes and make you cry. I was from a small town, having no idea how big and scary things in city were...but you, made me feel part of it. Our three sided conversations at 11 pm ever day - with Neha and Purnima simultaneously screaming down, asking you to stop flirting with me...and how you would, in your adorable Hindi, try to impress me saying, "Flirt nahi kar raha, line maar raha hoon." (Not flirting, hitting on her). Things changed the day you died. No one told me "Goodmorning Pradeeta" every day. No one became my company when I wanted to be all alone. No one loved me without conditions and told me what a friend was. The connections you made between us - you, a Tamil Brahmin, me a Brahmin - it was good enough for you for you wanted to marry me. I used to laugh like crazy at your stunts to just find similarities! I still do. :)

I picked up guitar, after your death VJ, I came to love every single Metallica song you thought I would hate, simply because English songs weren't my domain, specially death metal. I cried myself to sleep every night. People questioned me, gave me queer looks that maybe I loved you...but how could I, when you loved your girl and told me that I was the bestest friend you ever got, I felt blessed! I was in love with your friendship. I fell in love with a friend of yours', who still doesn't know. All the things, after you were gone, reminded me of you. You taught me to leave an impact in a short time. You taught me to laugh with everyone else laughing at you. You swore not to drink as I refused to sit next to you even when drinking was not the issue. You weren't letting me write the test. Those jealous looks to Jeffrey and claiming that I was yours' and he shouldn't be anywhere near you. That sentence in Hindi, "Aap meri sabse achchi dost ho. Aapko Khamosh nahi rehna chahiye, aap haste hue bohot sundar lagti ho...Damn man! I can't talk in Hindi!" I was in splits! I am keeping my promise of not to stop smiling. It becomes tough, so tough, but I will make it through. You don't frown! :D

Today, it's been four years. I tell myself I have moved on...that your picture has faded from my memory, that I can now truly do justice to you by letting you go. But mate, is it so easy? 

May you Rest in Peace Vijay.

[Fours years ago, in my first year of Law College, I lost a friend, who died in a bike accident. I was at his funeral when I couldn't accept the fact that he was dead. I am here today, writing this, for him and accepting that he may have moved on in the Otherworld as I will move on here.]

16 Oct 2011

Fear - Morsus: You will suffer (Part - 13)

Read Part 12 Here

I am wounded and injured...no longer in Margaret's house. Ragel...Ragel fought...back... Hidden beneath a canopy of trees...Ragel Rests nearby...
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Mortally wounded, he is a human after all...cannot stand a chance before me...but shattered my defensive wall, I couldn't keep up. Let me come back... (1st August 2011)

Blessed Be dear Diary, 

My wounds are healing quickly. Thanks to Mother Nature, I am able to hold my pen and write here...I have been through a lot, of late. Yes, I confronted Ragel and I am not aware of who won, between the two of us. However, superficially, I appear stronger while he is crumpled near by. 

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Remember, he needs to kill for the Dark Strength? I have bound him with my elemental power and now, he breathes where Darkness cannot touch him. I am not healing him, for truth has to be known. He is a fledgling when it comes to our powers, no denying the fact that he is much much stronger than I am. My strengths are based on white magic and I am earning it to protect and save humanity while his are strengthened by selfishness and need to become a Superpower. 
Image Source: ragdolls.deviantart.com
How can I forget this week? I had told you I was planning to pretend to be his love. And I succeeded. I chanced upon a meeting, sat near the same place where I had first seen him and cried...so much that after a point I could not remember when I had stopped pretending...I had made sure that wind takes my message to him. However, in my pain, I had forgotten that my agony and dread would reach to him as well...Diary, He was there...when I opened my eyes....I knew it before I saw him as the air around me stilled...and I could feel something cold seep into my heart. As I raised my eyes to meet his, I was no longer crying...I was seething with a desire to kill. I was.

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"You summon me sweet Claire?" He asked, his voice laced with dark poison which set my heart on edge.
"I do. Are you ready yet?" I replied, blanking my mind of all the thoughts, emotions...I could read him and he could feel things about me...I shouldn't underestimate him. I did not.
"Ready for what Claire? Are you readying yourself for a fight?" I did not miss the rumble in his voice...he was laughing at me. Morsus...I shall show him what pain is!
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With the purity of the Universe and with the powers I hold within,
I call upon Darkness, to kill the sin,
This man stands here, aware of the Blood, 
That lies upon his hands, for power he beseeches, 
From you.  
Oh My mortal, immortal and transcendent ancestors,
Hold my hand and let the purity of his soul come through.

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I hurled my energy burning hot as lava on him, as he fell down. I had caught him off guard, for my spell was in my heart as I had looked into his eyes. Those dark, bottomless eyes that held no love, no humanity but were as cold as death. He screamed and screamed and screamed in agony, writhing in pain - morsus - as I held him with my power....Diary, here's when my resolve weakened...I saw tears fall from his eyes and his soundless pleas to forgive him and kill him instantly. My energy faltered when he cupped both his hands and collected all the dark power in him and threw it with his last strength on me. Long snake like threads wrapped themselves around me as deep red gashes appeared on my skin, weeping blood. 
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I cried in agony but did not fall...as the pure energy was still flowing through me. Suddenly, as I thought of giving up, a large white hot swell of energy burned through me, burning the darkness around me, blinding me in its bright light and enwrapping Ragel in a bubble of whiteness.
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With a loud gasp, I felt the electrifying energy nudging me to relax and sit...while it completely covered Ragel. I could only hear his screams, petrified screams as he was stuck in the middle of Darkness and Light...my power...my gift. As I closed my eyes for a briefest of second, I smelled roses and memories...I saw Margaret hugging me...as she got absorbed into the Light...Feeling like a wrung out cloth, I dropped, unconscious on the ground, under the canopied tree.
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Now I have woken up and the scene before me has altered drastically - Sun is shining brightly, while Ragel rests, may be even dead... I have you, my dairy in my jacket...and I am writing this down before anything else ensues. I can feel that something big is going to end...Can you feel it too??
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28th July, 2011

12 Oct 2011

Fear - The Tryst (Part 12)

Read Part 11 Here
"How can I pretend that I don't see, 
What you hide so carelessly?
I saw her bleed, you heard me breathe, 
And I froze inside and turn myself away...I must be dreaming...
We all live, we all die, 
That does not begin to justify you...
It's not what it seems, not what you think, 
No, I must be dreaming..."
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These words have been running in my mind for a while now. The sense of loss that I feel after Margaret has moved on, is profound. I am recovering, for the fire in my blood will cease only when I will have my sweet revenge. Ragel is going to pay for this! And yes, I won't rest till I have it. I have been checking up on him and strangely, he has been keeping a low profile. However, that does not redeem him in any way.  

Image Source: defendingglove.org
I must tell you about him. As I had mentioned, he is a Dark creature. And no, please do not tell me, you believe in the bookish version of 'there's a little bit of humanity in everyone' He is twisted. The reason to feed on that deer, huh, he says, was a ritual! What ritual? Which ancient knowledge demands that you sacrifice an innocent to get your own selfish way unless, of course, you count giving up of your soul for a selfish need?

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I know I am not able to see beyond the blood rage that I am feeling right now, I know that this place has to be saved of the unfounded killings. So many people have died...so that his powers could grow...I  will stop him. I will.

Image Source: vi.sualize.us
My powers have been growing. These gifts,  no longer scare me and now is the time for revenge. I will write this down, if in case anything happens to me, Ragel will be directly connected and the rest, Lords will take care of. However, I have a confession to make though...um, I have been sneaking up a lot...on Ragel. I want to catch him off guard. I have come to know of a lot of things...wind has been loyal to me...however....OH NO  Oh my God! He can invoke wind, he had send me a message! Oh No!! I will be right back...!
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I was right. Remember his power of destruction? It comes from killing the innocent. I saw him kill...again...this time it was a dove...small...you know why? Because he had killed Margaret. Such a powerful psychic, he had got his fix for a week...I may be blinded, I may be stupid to consider confronting him, but I shall not believe that stars have bound us, for unless he proves to me, that he is human, I shall not take his hand....No...

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I have enforced a security wall - with wind, fire and spirit...and now, my first step of the plan... I will become his weakness... If that means I have to pretend that I love him...I will do that. And the end will be near. Tomorrow, he shall see, what a woman can do! I will unearth his past...for no more innocents will be killed! 
Inter spem et mutum [Between Hope and Fear] I chose Hope.

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As St. Augustine had said, "Interfice errorem, diligere errantem - Kill the sin, love the sinner.

27th July, 2011
I know, this is wrong...but I will have to avenge Margaret's death. I have to.

PS: The lines above "How can I pretend" are from one of my favorite songs (and Band - Evanescence) called Untitled (I must be dreaming).